I think the sky is beautiful. Everyday I stare up and memorize the clouds and colors above. I see the little ravens and humming birds everywhere and I feel so awed everytime.
Supposedly this is a sign of a "disturbed mind" but frankly that is some pop psych bullshit. I like to think of it as being a little artsy fartsy. There is so much beauty in the world around me I just want to paint it and capture it to see forever and ever.
I sincerely think this and my unfortunate mindset are connected. When I think back to my younger self, I just feel fondness for that little kid trying their best to find something to hold onto. I think I had opened my mind to seeing what is incredible around me so I could combat my sadness.
Using my head space during the 2020 lockdown as an example, it was bad enough I felt the need to reach out because of how scared I was of my own conviction.
Of course, then I managed to break past it by clinging to a story and the community around it, but I didn't really have anything solid to cling on to. I still don't. My mind can spiral but compared to the helplessness I had felt back then... It is not as bad.
Its a little strange even to see how far I have lasted. It was only thanks to my own cowardliness that I didn't go farther, if I want to phrase it negatively.
There's so much I would have missed out on. There is so much I could miss out on.
When summer returns I think I will be a little happier.